Long time since last visit. Just migrated from old site. Fascination with receiving anal continues unabated, even though I am both straight and a virgin. Marriage turned sexless became journey of self-discovery.
Welcome. I am confused by your introduction though, u say u r straight and a virgin, but that your marriage turned sexless. How is someone in a marriage that went sexless (implies it wasn’t sexless at some point) still a virgin? No disrespect, just confused and suspect there’s a larger story here.
Virgin, as in receiving an actual penis. Wife didn’t like receiving anal, but was OK with pegging. Then sex went out of vogue entirely for her, with the onset of menopause. Left to my own devices, and staying true to marriage, the world of auto-eroticism involving anal became my refuge. I call it anal only because I don’t bother with the frustrating erections and post ejaculatory let-down, and do anal edging only. Hope that clears the confusion.
Definitely clears it up for me. Thanks for the clarification. Welcome again to the site. Feel free to jump into, or start new conversations
Welcome F655A.
I am also a straight male, married. As I think I understand you to be describing, I also greatly enjoy receiving anal sex toys. I think we may share some life experiences.
If I am correct about that, I would be happy to answer (based on my experience, of course, but I have a LOT of experience) any questions you might have.
I have used and enjoyed anal sex toys for more than 40 years, graduating to ever wider and longer toys. In some of my early posts, I shared details of my size experience.
In my case, my wife and I started out with an active “traditional” sex life, but after menopause, she lost interest. She tried hormonal therapy, but ran into problems with side effects, so had to stop that. For some years, we had no penis insertion of any kind going on at all. Then, as I got increasingly frustrated, she was willing to experiment with her receiving anal, but she never got comfortable with it and we stopped. I can’t “perform” if my wife is not actively enjoying the experience and absolutely I cannot “perform” if she is uncomfortable. (I guess for that sensitivity, I will have lost my “Manly Man” official membership card.)
She was/is also willing to use anal sex toys on me or fisting me almost to her elbow. However, though she will do these activities if asked, but she is not “into it” in the way that makes it enjoyable for me. Unfortunately, she does not comprehend that if she is not enjoying the activity of doing something to/for me, I am not able to fully enjoy the experience. But I understand that I cannot “make” somebody enjoy something. Thus I would rather just do it for myself.
However, she has recently gotten more interested in vaginal sex toy use (me using a toy on her – she refuses to pleasure herself; a feeling from growing up in a very sexually conservative environment). That has been working better and she now actually asks me (!!!) if we can do that again soon. It’s not an anal activity, but at least it is something sexual. I have hope of someday turning her change in interest level slightly more back in the direction of anal fun.
All through these 25+ married years, she has been perfectly comfortable with me using sex toys on myself. I don’t have to “hide” my activity from her. Sometimes I think she actually likes having a couple hours to herself some evenings without me interrupting her various projects and activities and TV shows.
Having to do all the “anal sex toying” on myself for myself is both good and bad for me. The good is that I can do it exactly how I like it. The bad is that self-pleasuring does not include the closeness and bonding with another person and it does not offer the little “surprises” that another person doing it can add to the experience.
I think I understood you to be saying that you sometimes (or most of the time?) focus on the anal sensations more than necessarily trying to achieve an orgasm. My activity has also evolved in that direction. The pure pleasure (not orgasmic per se, but is almost addictively enjoyable for me) and fullness of a big anal toy insertion is sometimes enough. But sometimes if I am in the mood, I go for an orgasm or two with penis masturbation with riding a big toy – it is not an anal orgasm per se, but I certainly have an A-Spot that makes a penis orgasm easier/better.
Again, welcome to the group. I look forward to anything you wish to share. I know I have learned a tremendous amount from other group members’ experiences.
Thank you for your reply. It is somehow refreshing to communicate with someone about a very similar experience/life predicament. I totally agree about not being able to, or even wanting to perform, if my wife is not actively enjoying the experience.
I think I will never comprehend how my wife transformed into someone with zero sexual interest in me. I have 100% done everything advisable to make myself desirable and sexually attractive… in my understanding. Maybe she secretly is turned on by traits that I do not comprehend, and that are not in my heart to exhibit.
I have consequently transformed whatever energies I wished to share with her into energies I share with myself. Somehow, playing the role of receptacle in my personal erotic life bridges the void that is left by her intimate absence.
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But I don’t understand something…
Don’t you talk to her about it ? Is there so little conversation that you are living in a house with someone of whom you don’t know what she wants or thinks ? If so, seems like a serious communication breakdown…
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Funny! I have tried for 20 years, in every sober way I can think of. I have learned it is better not to repeatedly cause someone to go full-on, global psychological, irrational meltdown hostile, if you are going to try living with them.
Believe it or not, it is entirely possible to not know what motivates someone’s personal expression, if they cannot access those things themselves. If someone’s personality has taken the trajectory of obfuscating intimate relations with intellectual ideations that mask and protect core primal/human perceived vulnerabilities, it is neither my job, nor within my abilities to unpack and reconstruct them. I can only look after myself and take care to personally develop wisdom, compassion, and respect for another person’s chosen path in life, even if I cannot achieve complete understanding. It is obviously odious and wrong to try changing someone else’s personality to suit my needs.
There is a LOT of conversation in this household, but it is entirely centric around what my wife wants to say. She has, for 20 years, long since discarded interest in discovering who and what I am. Rather, my wife insists upon asserting her beliefs about what she THINKS I am, and what she thinks she is.
I can certainly expound at greater length, if there were interest. I introduced as I did, merely to hint that I turned a necessity into a virtue, and have made a lifelong fascination with anal into my sole form of sexual expression.
I don’t think I could live like that. Not anymore that is. Cause I’ve been in a unsatisfying marriage with the mother of my children. I could never do that again.
Now that I have experienced a fullfilling relationship with someone likeminded, I know I will never settle for less. Rather be alone then !
That’s darned good advice. Even when I don’t follow it. I spent the first 15 years of our marriage convinced I was with someone like-minded. Thought menopause was just a speed bump. I guess 20 years waiting for conversion back to normalcy was taking it a bit too far. Now, with 35+ years invested, me at 69 and her at 71, I admit to having been entrapped in a marriage of “evolution” rather than one of “happiness.”
As a very smart man once said, “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
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It sounds like you’re at peace with yourself having accepted the circumstances. Better to be at peace than torture yourself wishing it was otherwise
It’s a shame because your wife may have benefited from hormone replacement therapy. Many additional health benefits, besides increased libido.
But it is the job of a therapist. Of course, if your wife is totally convinced that everything is perfectly fine, and she continues of “obfuscate”, then she may reject any consideration of the two of you engaging in couple’s therapy.
To me this sounds like the intersection of a post-menopausal medical status (I won’t use the word “problem” because apparently your wife does not consider her lack of sexual desire to be a problem) and a psychological status.
Those “full-on, global psychological, irrational meltdown hostile…” are surely an indication of something.
I have experienced (in my role of husband) my wife having extremely little sexual desire after menopause. However, the specific language that you use to describe the situation seems to suggest that there is something more going on. With my first wife, many long years ago, through couple’s therapy, that “something more” turned out to be that she did not know how to cope with the reality that she simply was not interested in men and that she was a lesbian. While that wrecked me, in retrospect I was not really surprised and it explained a lot. We divorced and she became a happier person – as eventually did I also. I am not suggesting anything so dramatic in your situation, but I am suggesting that if she will participate willingly, that therapy can really work wonders. Fro better or worse, the results may not be what either of you expect, but at least you both should end up understanding what’s going on.
In any case, continue to take care of yourself however you feel is best for you.
Perhaps you might want to consider individual therapy for yourself to explore why put yourself on the receiving end of “She has, for 20 years, long since discarded interest in discovering who and what I am.” At this point, that is clearly a choice you have made. I assume that you have lots of reasons for making that choice. My only concern is that you have the right to be happy – though having been through some of this myself (with my second major relationship) I understand that such clarity is easier to say than to actualize.
IMHO, it is not selfish to take care of yourself first. To quote millions of airline flight attendants: Remember always to “put on your oxygen mask first” (because otherwise you won’t be alive to be helpful to others).
Back to our anal subject… I think it is really great that you “turned a necessity into a virtue, and have made a lifelong fascination with anal into my sole form of sexual expression.” Keep on enjoying your anal experiences.
Thank you, truly, for your kind advice. Years back, we tried a few different therapists, as a couple. She blew up and walked out on each of them. I then had to act as therapist to calm her down afterwards. The funny thing is, my wife actually IS trained as a therapist, and is receiving referrals as a couples therapist no less. This is not to say that she has clinical practice or earns income. Merely that she has been educated as, and has been actively training for the role. This possibly may have helped some aspects of our relationship, but not the sexual one.
Ooh this reminds me of my ex who was a highly educated caretaker for mentally disabled people, but meanwhile she had no patience when it came to educating our own kids.
After reading here about the fulfilling intimate lives so many members are having with their spouses, I have indeed re-experienced the frustrations and exasperation I inevitably feel, but have stuffed, in assessing my situation. I decided to again tell my wife how attractive I find her, how meaningful our intimate life was to me, and how intimacy, like nothing else, put the magic into our marriage for me. How quickly my words were twisted. How quickly my self-revelation and honesty was warped into arguments for seething rage, unreason and the identical ludicrous corollaries thereof to which I’ve been treated for a span of 2 decades. Situation hopeless. Definition of insanity: Hoping for resolution to a problem of incompatibility by being rejected over 7000 times and hoping for a better, brighter outcome tomorrow.
Solution: Stay happy by continuing to take care of me. I take my supplements, eat right and organic only, work out daily in the sun, maintain six-pack abs, maintain weight exactly as when I was 18, enjoy my g-string sun tan. Fuck it.. I find me attractive. If getting stuffed daily by my monster sized realistic dildo means I want to be a girl, or makes me gay, or whatever, and my wife secretly hates a thereby unmanly man, then fuck it. I’ve got an anal only life now.. “supported” by my wife. Touching her gives me an instant woody, but which I no longer use for its intended purpose. I otherwise keep it limp at all other times.
This might sound like a rant, and perhaps it is. 20 years of stuffed emotion and sexual frustration builds up a lot of pressure, makes you question yourself. Yet my experience may resonate with many others’ who may not wish to be seen as whiners and therefore do not make commentary. I’ve go nothing to lose by leveling with others in this niche group. I may find that I am not alone, and that it is a balm to learn that others are in similar predicaments.
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So do I read this right ?
Your wife now has a problem with you wanting to be penetrated ?
Likely.
Very plausibly she passed judgement on me 20 years ago, while I still thought she was on-board with our adventures. On the rare occasions when we can talk about sex at all, she tells me back then she just did whatever I wanted.
My adventures now are entirely in the closet.
I have no idea how old either of you are but you mentioned your wife is in perimenopause, so she’s at least in her 40’s or 50’s. My point is you both will live for many more years in a sexless relationship. If she treats you as you describe, it sounds like a loveless marriage as well, or at least from her perspective.
I’m not qualified to provide relationship advice but if this were me, I’d seriously consider separation, divorce, or an open relationship. Life is too short and I will do whatever I can to live my remaining time with joy and love. Are any of these options possible for you?
I’m so sorry, my heart breaks for you. I have a friend whose mom is a psychiatrist, and you’d they’d be better at communicating. But he can’t talk to her anymore. I sometimes think that people who work in therapy jobs think they won’t make the same mistakes and biases we all do because of their training.