“The bro code”, what your thought on this?

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Throughout the years I’ve had several occasions where a male friend told me he fucked other women while in a relationship or married.

I never told their girlfriend or wives. Not because of some “bro code”, I don’t give a damn about that. I have a good reason not to tell. In those cases the messenger will often be made the bad person. Even till the point that every little thing the messenger ever done wrong, will be exaggeratad out of proportion to kill his credibility.

I’ve seen it happen more than once. And years later, when everything fell into place, everyone knew the truth, no appologies. Nothing, dead silent.

Now I myself, I would always have taken a friends word serious if she/he told me my wife was cheating on me. I would at least start thinking about the possibility and keeping an eye on her.

How do others experience this ? Would you tell or not ? Would you want to be told or not. Cause a partner can lie to you in a way you want to believe them.

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Oh, I understand you so well. My wife and I are in a similar situation right now.

We have close friends, a married couple. And we know that the woman in this couple regularly cheats on her husband. First my wife knew, then I found out too. It’s incredibly unpleasant to watch these cheating incidents from the sidelines. It even got to the point where my friend’s wife, while running off to another guy, started asking my wife and me to cover for her, saying she was visiting us.

I immediately put a stop to such requests and asked them not to involve us in her infidelities. But we’re not going to tell her husband anything. Because 9 times out of 10, in such a situation, my wife and I will be the ones left holding the bag. The woman will be angry at us for telling her husband about her affairs. The husband will be angry that we knew but didn’t tell him right away. And it’s also very likely that they will reconcile, and we will still be blamed in their eyes. That’s why I believe people should sort out their own relationships. Moreover, in my opinion, it’s always possible to tell early on that something has gone wrong in a relationship.

As for your question about whether I would admit to cheating and whether I would want my wife to tell me if it happened, I’ll answer this:

We’ve been married for 13.5 years, together for 15. During that time, I’ve never cheated on my wife. She’s my closest friend, a total slut in bed, and a very caring mother to our three children. I, like any man, might have a few crushes on a pretty colleague at work or a student with a firm butt and a short dress passing by on the street, but that’s it.

Has my wife cheated on me? I don’t think so. Even though I work shifts and am away from home for long periods of time (three years ago, I was away eight months a year; now it’s six; I’m on shift for a month and home for a month), I think I would have noticed if something in our relationship had deteriorated so much that it led to infidelity.

About ten years ago, my wife and I had a conversation about infidelity. We discussed how we would handle a hypothetical case of infidelity. I asked her (and she agreed with my reasoning) not to tell me about the infidelity if it came to that and she realized it was a mistake. It’s one thing if I find out about the infidelity myself, and quite another if she tells me about it herself. I don’t want to find out from my wife that she opened the door to another man because my husband isn’t home. Why do you think she might admit to cheating on me? Because this act of betrayal weighs heavily on her soul. She has to look me in the eye and think about how she betrayed me. And if she made this choice, let her live with this burden in her soul. After all, what will happen when she confesses to me? She will unburden herself by placing the entire burden of this situation on my shoulders. Now I will have to live with the knowledge of being betrayed. Even if I say I forgive her, a worm of doubt will forever settle inside me.

I understand that not everyone will agree with my vision of this situation, but this is what I have decided for myself.

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I think every couple has their own way of being happy, their own deals, their own intimacy. If you want to interfere in their relationship, how can you predict what will happen? Maybe your friend overreacts with you; maybe he/she overreacts with his/her partner. Are you sure your denounce wouldn’t result in a tragedy? Or perhaps they already know and there is some secret deal between them. I really think the best is not interfere and pretend not to see: let’s them discover it for themselves.

A close friend once confided in me the reasons for her divorce. She said: the first date, the courtship, the engagement, the wedding, the life together, all this progressively built a mutual trust and a chemistry between us. There was some kind of magic when we could read each other’s thoughts with just a sight. All of this broke down when I discover his first case of infidelity. We talked, I forgave him, but that good magic never came back. When it happened a second time, I wondered, why are we still together?

I always remember her story when I think about myself and my wife: almost twenty years together and we still live in this good magic, I hope it never ends. If I slip up, I want her to never find out. If she slips up, I never want to find out.

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I don’t like knowing that kind of information. It’s far too personal and I’m never comfortable knowing that kind of thing. But in any case where I may find out I keep my mouth shut. You never know exactly what is going and what is real it not. Unless there is a very compelling reason to speak up, I don’t say anything to anyone.