My sub and I have been struggling with finding time to meet, for various reasons, for the last half year or so. We’ve met maybe once every two months. This has lead to some mental hang ups, you could say, of hers resurfacing. I’m partly to blame as well, since in the time before that half year, I had been playing a bit on autopilot when we met. Either way, we’ve been discussing things, and working to get back into a good, exploratory swing.
One of those hang ups, however, was that she felt like anal wasn’t really for her. Coming from the woman who had a strong anal orgasm without any clitoral stimulation the first time I fucked her, and many more in the weeks and months afterwards, this seemed … strange, to say the least. Either way, this prevented any anal play except some rimming, massage and shallow fingering.
Anyway, we met and played last weekend, and it was glorious. Just a few sentences from me sent her deep into trance, and sending her even deeper was easy. This also did wonders to relax her, as she’s been super stressed due to her work. I tried some new things, addressing issues and ideas she had told me about, and we made some progress and fun discoveries there as well. Eventually, after some pain play while she was still in trance, I brought her up again.
She was incredibly horny and jumped at the chance to suck me off. After some of that, I asked her how she felt. The deep submission she felt made her crave to give me everything; she didn’t think full anal was on the table and we didn’t want to risk ending with frustration, and she REALLY wanted to swallow me. So we found a compromise where I fingered her butt and she sucked me off deeply until I came down her throat. She was so worked up she basically humped my leg all the way through that blow job 
Plus, she responded SO WELL to a finger in her ass, it was wonderful. You all know how different it feels when you finger someone who’s really into it as opposed to it just being okay, right?
Well, I’m really looking forward to our next play date, I feel like we’re moving in a good direction again, one that we both feel great about 
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Don’t get me wrong. But isn’t a sub supposed to do what you want ? I mean, the thing about being a sub, to me, seems that the dom decides to use her anal only and she agrees cause she’s a sub.
Do I see this wrong ?
Every dom/sub dynamic is different, and the actual human underneath the mask always takes precedence over the scene you act out.
So while we agree that her body and mind belong to me, that doesn’t mean I can or would do everything that comes to me on a whim. For example, I don’t ever wish to cause actual damage to any of my partners. When she’s convinced that anal is not for her, she doesn’t get (much) pleasure out of anal stimulation (as I said, it’s a kind of mental hang up), so she doesn’t relax, and an attempt at penetration would be painful and possibly damaging.
First and foremost, I care about her as a human being. I may do things to her that she does not enjoy per se, but in the knowledge that a) she enjoys being at my mercy and b) she could always use a safe word to end the scene if things get too intense. These dynamics are much more complex than they are generally thought of or being portrayed
Even if I did not care for her at all besides the “use” I got out of her (which is absolutely not the case), you could argue being careless and brutal would be like the owner of a race horse making it run with an injured leg. Sure, they might get their will in the moment, but use up their “resource” getting it. This is why I don’t understand so many pseudo-doms out in the wild. They strut around as if being a dom would free them from an obligation to engage with people on a human level, showing off their carelessness and brutality, when actually, good BDSM requires MUCH more empathy and communication than most “regular” relationships.
If you explain it late that I would say my sexual relationship with my fiancee is a dom/sub dynamic at times too.
She told me I gave free use of her body, at the very beginning. And she never ever said no to sex in 3,5 years. I don’t even need to ask. I can shove my cock up her ass at any given moment.
We both don’t like pain. But she does like feeling like she can’t get away and needs to take it up her ass. She loves doing deeptroat, but she doesn’t like it forced onto her. If she gags, it’s her choice, not mine.
The key here is communication. If one doesn’t feel comfortable with the situation, that person has to communicate it with their partner.
Yes, the dominant partner may have control over the submissive one, but the submissive one also has to set what is “ok” to them.
For example, I really want to be the submissive one. I grant the permission for her to do whatever she wants me to do, but I don’t like the idea of being beaten up, strangled, shackled ans such, and so I must communicate that with such partner. If she were to do whatever she wants and not listen to me, then that’s a red flag.
Y’know, a wise man once said: “Without rules, we would live like animals”.
Well, a free use situation is not exactly equal to D/s. I’m not saying that to correct you, just to draw the distinction between the two. D/s usually involves more rules, and a certain power dynamic, often a lot of rituals to make this dynamic more apparent (to those involved and perhaps those who watch as well). A staple is for the submissive to wear a collar, for example, but all kinds of symbols are used.
Free use is more focused around sex being available whenever one (usually the male partner) wants it. I’m just mentioning it since my sub would hate a free use dynamic, but can’t get enough of D/s.
as a sub when I say he can do anything, it doesn’t mean it literally. there are still boundaries, and to different people the boundaries may be varied.
for example, in my relationship, at the first year, I refuse direct sex intercourse. we pushed the boundary later, but at that time, “do anything” doesn’t include it.
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Subs needs come first
Doms needs come second
Doms wants come third
Subs wants come fourth
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