Relationship advice

Advice
1

Hello everyone,

I am sorry about the rant and long story you are about to read but I feel this is the only place to go about this. If it is too long and doesn’t belong here, then just remove it. I don’t write on forums ever.

I am writing here for some personal advice in my relationship, something that can potentially lead to AOL or close to it.
I am married (m 40) to my wife (w 36). We have been together for almost 14 years. We met in university and hit off quickly after.
When we started dating, we were chatting one night while I was abroad. This was before we had sex yet, she was quick to talk about what I liked, and I had not tried yet.

I had just come from a relationship where anal was NOT an option. I have always found anal kinky and hot! Almost can’t watch any other type of porn.
So when I was asked what I had not tried I sort of…danced around the topic, afraid to bring it up as I did not want to scare her away. I told her I loved to eat ass, she was fine with that, but she kept asking “what else what else”.
Finally I brought anal up. Told her I had not done it.
She said she had a few times, and she would like to try it again with me when the time was right. I was of course ecstatic and thanking God.

Long story short we did it a few times and it was great. Then she got pregnant quickly in our relationship by accident and we moved together. This is where everything changed and we drifted away from anal completely. Not on intention just life changed and we got busy.
It went to far that she actually started to have a bit of a vendetta against it.
She threw out the lube, talked anal down saying “its unhealthy”, “god is against it (she is religious)” and similar things.
I sort of just accepted it, after all our sex life was still very good and we did everything except anal. Oral (on me only), hot lingerie, ass eating continued. I was happy.
I would occasionally joke I wanted to fuck her in the ass, responds were laughter, “not gonna happen”, “maybe your next birthday”.

Then 13 years later I have aged and I started to experience a bit of ED (erectional dysfunction) due to performance anxiety. I am still working on that; it is likely stress related combined with tiredness. We have three kids now and we are exhausted in the evening.
Due to the ED I started to poke her ass in order to get hard (we use condoms pussy was too risky, no more kids please). It was in this poking her asshole that my wife started to respond very positively. Said it was very hot and she liked it a lot.
One time we were doing it again I gave her a good ass lick and poking she finally caved and told me to put it in her ass. As I had some ED I couldn’t manage that one time, I got super nervous and excited. She however managed to climax with some stimulation.

Moving forward one night after the kids went to bed, she had been hinting we should get busy earlier in the day. Later on, I asked her to confirm it and she said, “Either we go to sleep or you fuck me in the ass”.
And so I did and she again climaxed. Since then, every time we had sex it either started with anal or ended with anal. Along the way she would often say “this was the last time”, “next time is pussy only”.
I don’t want to push it on her, during sex I lead but something like that I want proper communication.
Last time we had sex I started to fuck her pussy from behind, our favourite position. Within 1-2 minutes she asked If I wanted to fuck her ass. At this point the last nine times, anal was the main or only part!
She finally confronted me about it. I could sense she was partly annoyed, partly happy, joking that I had led her into sin like a drug dealer does with an addict. She admitted that the pussy fucking was now boring and she was afraid she couldn’t climax from that anymore.

What was bad about that is that the climax isn’t so strong from the ass and she missed it.

That leaves me (us) at this point. She said, “no ass next time” and she wants to build back her pussy pleasure like before.

I’m not sure what to do from here. I don’t necessarily want to have an anal only lifestyle, not at the price of her being less happy. I was fine with what we had before.
I told her just to carpe diem, enjoy what she liked and not to over think it.

I even told her about the AOL community, that there are people that only do anal.
I wouldn’t be in this forum if it was a 1 or 2 time thing. But a continues again and again thing with no break, then there must be more to it. Also because she since I met her, was into anal and from a young age as well. She is the one that brought it up.

In a way I feel AOL would be great for her honestly, and I surely wouldn’t mind either. She has a great ass and she quite skilled at taking it in the ass, even without lube. We are however, going slow with small gentle thrusts for now. I would like to go closer to an AOL.

Any thoughts or ideas you might have would be great. I will see how sex is next time, maybe she cant hold herself back again.

/Danuas

2

Oh forgot important detail.

The pregnancies gave her many hemoroids, something that is pretty normal. They went away but each pregnancy brought them back.

This ofcourse didnt help.

3

Well, that’s a good reason why she avoided anal sex, don’t you think?

Welcome, fellow, nice to meet you. We have a lot in common, different stories, but with many things in common. I’m 50; at my next appointment with the urologist, I’m thinking of asking about tadalafil. My wife is undergoing hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and our sex life is going through a real “perfect storm” (in a good way), so I completely understand what you mean by “performance anxiety”. Have you had this talk with your urologist?

My wife is also very religious. When we started having anal intimacy eight years ago, she used words like “unladylike” or “uncomfortable” to describe it… but in less than 2 months, we were having about 80% anal sex and 20% vaginal sex. She is not a woman who can say, “I want you to fuck me in the ass”; this kind of sentence would deeply hurt her Catholic ego and her self-image as a good girl. So, she frames it as being my wish, my perversion: “do you want to have me from behind?”. It’s part of her foreplay, I see that this excites her and I accepted that a long time ago.

Vaginal sex, when it happened, was only when she asked for it. It was like an “obligation” for her Catholic ego, like “we should do it in the vagina because it’s the proper way for a good girl to have sex”… and when she felt an absurd amount of pleasure doing anal, she fought with herself to hide it from me, like “I’m feeling extremely good, but I shouldn’t feel this way!”.

And there was also the threat of “never again”, very similar to your wife’s threat of “last time”. The thing is, my wife hates losing control, but sexual intimacy requires a bit of vulnerability. So, she says “if you cross that boundary, this will be the last time, we’ll never do it again”, not as a real promise, but as a permission to face a boundary, thinking she is in control.

So, I simply played her game, and let things evolve naturally. Like your “carpe diem”, but also directed at me. Over the years, she “sealed” her vagina and adopted the AOL, not by my imposition or my desire, but as a natural choice, her choice.

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Oh we have some similarities.

I havent seen a urologist yet, just my regular doctor. Everything looks fine and i can get hard easy alone or when i am not planning anything. Its all in my head, i even had it a bit when i was young, it just takes a few bad experiences and then you think it stopped working.

So we have a bit similar pathway but i have just started perhaps. We love to dirty talk both of us and mostly her, especially with anal. Even if we go to vaginal only, she will miss the naughty words and being submissive.

I guesd you are right, let live, take it ease and see where this is going.

She is firm though, “no more ass”. She said that the last two times as well. Took it in the ass anyway haha

5

My wife put 4 kids onto the world. She had hemeroids too. She assfucked them gone. Hasn’t had any hemeroid since she’s with me and she has never been assfucked this much in her previous life.

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Danuas: You say you are asking for advice, but the stuff you seem to be asking about is intensely personal and individual to your relationship. It would be very hard for anybody to advise you in such matters. That being said, my thoughts are…

a) Avoid over-thinking things. I know I do that a lot in different ways, so I should be the last person to say that. However, you seem to be thinking yourself in circles.

b) If the ACTIONS of current situation are working well for both of you, does it really matter what the WORDS are (“last time” … and then it is not the last time)? ASK lots of questions and do respect her answers, but it sounds like there is a lot of “code” in her answers. So, don’t ignore her answers, but try to interpret them AND ASK at each stage. For example: Monday night she says “last time”. Then Tuesday night you two are snuggling up in bed and you start to gently touch her in various places. If you touch her ass and she seems to respond positively, actually ask “do you like that” or “would you like me to do more of that”, etc. If you are spooning (you behind her) and you allow your ‘member’ to get up a little bit between her butt-cheeks, does she pull away or does she maybe move a little closer or maybe wiggle around a little bit. Again, I would ask “do you like that…” etc. As long as she is doing whatever she is doing of her own free will, there is no problem. (The only problem may be decades of her religious guilt, but she seems to be coping with that fairly well since she is going ahead and enjoying your activities.)

c) If YOU are getting tired of all this great anal sex, well, that’s a different problem. But somehow I don’t think you are going to get tired of it.

d) You mentioned that her climax during anal sex is not as strong and that she missed the stronger climax of vaginal / clitoral sex. You seem to be doing a lot of “worrying” about her. She sounds perfectly capable of doing what she wants to do – and perfectly capable of telling you when she does and does not want what kind of sex. But, you can ask her too.

e) Remember that there are more “people” in the bed than just the two of you: There is you, her, your history/baggage (including worrying about unsaid things by other people), her history/baggage (including potential expectations of what she “should” be like/doing and ever-present religious guilt, etc.). There are probably a few other constituents in the bed as well. However, if you help to (you are not “in charge” here) and participate in the keeping everything “in the moment”, it sounds like you will both enjoy what you want to enjoy.

Remember: “KISS” (Keep It Simple, Stupid).

Rather than thinking / worrying / wondering / assuming what somebody else wants, just BOTH ask them AND pay attention to what they REALLY do (because what they say they want may be different than what they really do).

If she says “no ass next time”, accept that for what it says. It is ONLY about “next time”. And she may end up changing her mind before next time comes around. Don’t go rambling down the garden path about what will come next. Just be in the present, follow her lead, but PRESENT OPPORTUNITIES (i.e. “tickle her fancy”) and leave it up to her what she does with the opportunities.

While you seem to have some stress or concern or worry about all of this, from where I sit, I WISH I WERE IN YOUR POSITION compared to the position I am in (currently NO ass is being had).

7

Danuas,

Your mild ED may just be an age thing. You are not 18 any longer (though all that sex will keep you young).

However, rather than just jumping to taking an ED medication, my COMPLETELY UNQUALIFIED advice is…

  1. Talk to your primary physician about your mild ED. In that conversation, be sure that you or your doctor bring up:

1a) Should your testosterone level be checked? At around your age, my “T” crashed and it caused me a LOT of problems, well beyond ED. There are a lot of other indicators of Low-T and Low-T is a major health issue. Or you may just have ED.

1b) Do you drink alcohol. If yes and you don’t want ED, then stop drinking.

1c) Do you take recreational drugs. If yes and you don’t want ED, then stop taking them.

1d) Do you take ANY medications or supplements, prescribed or otherwise. Check each one individually for ED side effects. Then check them in all possible combinations for ED side effects. It is a lot of work, but you may be amazed at what you learn.

1e) Do you “eat right” and “get regular exercise”? Probably not if you are like most men your age. That right there can cause ED. If your response is like most of us (“I don’t have time” …blah blah blah), remember that diet and exercise may likely decide how long you live, what you die of, etc. If you want to live to be old with your wife (and still having anal sex of course), then take care of yourself.

Work through ALL of that before talking a medication for ED. If there are other changes that you can make that improve the ED situation, then taking a medication for ED is like bailing the water out of a leaking boat instead of fixing the hole in the boat – you will almost never win that fight.

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Hemorrhoids: In this thread, Backdoorlover just said something (about his wife “assfucking the hemorrhoids gone”) that I have for a long time thought that I had observed and which I have believed (but my wife won’t listen to me on this).

ME: Decades ago, I had some hemorrhoid problems (my work is about 14 hours per day sitting and I was straining too much on the toilet – bad diet habits). However, after I got seriously involved (decades ago) in using anal toys on myself, the hemorrhoid problems disappeared. And, over the decades, as my toy use has grown to much larger toys (I mean really, really, really large) and my toy use has become more frequent, the hemorrhoids stayed away.

MY WIFE: She has hemorrhoid problems which seem to be mostly attributable to too much sitting (especially long driving trips), bad diet habits though she is getting better about that, and too much sitting on the toilet and “straining” in some misunderstood idea of what “done” means. (IMHO, do your business and get off the toilet. If it happens it happens. If you need to go again in an hour, then go again, but don’t sit and strain.)

HOWEVER, there was a period of time in the last couple of years in which my wife decided she was willing to give anal sex a serious try. We hadn’t having any penetrative sex other than me using a toy in her vagina to pleasure her and her using fingers in my ass to pleasure me. For various reasons, P-i-V had not been successful for years. So, we had a “come to [deity of your choice] meeting” and she decided to give anal a try. During the period of time we were doing anal sex, she STOPPED having hemorrhoids!!! (Unfortunately, she just never enjoyed the anal sex – she has a lot of hangups about ass / anal stuff and/or [causation?] she does not find it at all pleasurable.

Anyway, I am willing to volunteer to participate in a large-scale (i.e. anal every day) double-blind (i.e. one or both of us can wear one or two blindfolds) study to determine if I (and Backdoorlover) are correct: Does anal sex cure / prevent hemorrhoids?

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I too practice HUGE toy play.. every day.

I can certainly say that it does NOT cause hemorrhoids. I’ve always wondered when guys half my age have mentioned having them. I had to look it up just to figure out what one was. I have never had one except when I injured may bunghole straddling the edge of my tractor seat while mowing a bumpy hill sideways. I didn’t let it slow down my assplay, and it resolved in a few days.

My Mom and Dad both had them, so I wouldn’t say it is inherited immunity. My vote is that anal prevents hemorrhoids. Maybe it cures them too. Seems logical, since assplay massages the area increasing blood flow.

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Perhaps we have found The Answer to improving public perception of anal sex!

Except that there are no major corporate sponsors who can make billions of dollars by selling anal sex (the porn companies don’t count – in fact they might lose business if anal sex became more popular), I can just see the TV ads now, even though there is nobody to pay for the ads…

“Tired of having annoying hemorrhoids? Want to get rid of them and keep they away? Well, we have the answer: Just say YES! to anal sex.” [Accompaned by pictures of happy couples, just like the ED medicine ads.]

Maybe if every person who currently enjoys anal sex would donate to an advertising fund, we could make that TV ad campaign reality.

Of course, I am just joking around… Or am I?

11

After her pregnancy, my ex went to a bowel specialist because of her hemeroids. Much to my surprise, she asked him if it was healthy to have anal sex with hemeroids.

She said he smiled and said it was totally no problem. So if even the specialist says it’s no problem, to a woman who has hemeroids, I think my assumption is right that my wifes hemeroids now are assfucked into non existence.

Think of it. The cause of hemeroids is pushing the rectum out by applying excessive pressure. So if that pressure gets applied inwards, it seems logical that the hemeroids get pushed back into place.