Questions about various kinks

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Okay, I admit it, I’m starting this topic because I have questions about various kinks, fetishes, etc. And please understand, I’ll try to phrase things correctly, but I don’t know what I don’t know so if I say it wrong or use the wrong phrase or terminology, it’s an innocent mistake and I’m happy to learn better.

So here’s my first set - what is the difference between polyamorous sex and an orgy? Is there a minimum participant number for an orgy? Also, I’m low key assuming polyamorous relationships are sort of set/exclusive…? Are there general rules and guidelines for these things?

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I would describe our little arrangement as polyamorous rather than an orgy. It just sounds nicer! Plus our line-up has been consistent for over a year. We care about each other and our actions focus on ensuring everyone achieves pleasure. I’m thinking that may be the main difference with an orgy.

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Okay, let’s break it down :slight_smile:
First of all, no, there are no set rules or guides, but the way terms are generally used is a good place to start.
Let’s begin with one you didn’t use, but which sheds some light when used in contrast: polygamous. One spouse marries more than one partner. When it’s practised, it’s generally a cultural institution, and usually it’s either one man man, many women, or the other way round. The Mormons had a “one man, many women” thing going on (do they still?) to raise their numbers.

Notice how I didn’t mention “love” in the last paragraph? Polygamy serves a societal purpose or is a societal institution. Feelings are often secondary. Polyamory is about feelings; people who love or want to love more than one person at the same time romantically enter into polyamorous relationships. Everyone involved knows there are other partners involved, and the relationship networks can get pretty complex (I won’t get into that here, but I’ll be happy to explain polycules, metamours and the like later). Many see “polyamorous” as a kind of sexual orientation modifyer; people can be straight/bi/gay/pan/etc… and poly on top. I think it’s clearest when people describe themselves as “solo poly”, meaning they have no current partner, but if they did, they’d want others to join, too, if the right ones came along.

Now, notice how I didn’t mention sex in the last paragraph? An orgy is group sex between n consenting adults, with n usually being 4 or greater. Why they do it is up to them, there’s all kinds of reasons, many having nothing to do with romantic love (I don’t judge, just pointing it out). There’s also varieties, I would say, depending on whether the focus is on one person (a gang bang), it’s about everyone having fun with everyone else (a classic orgy) and so forth. You could have an orgy with your polyamorous partners, but that’s not generally what happens. It’s more often than not a bunch of couples “linked” by one person. So Joe and Sally are dating and having sex with each other. Mike and Billy are dating and having sex, too. Sally and Mike are also dating and having sex, all parties involved know about that and are cool with it, but they don’t get together for four-person sex where everyone fucks everyone else. Not because it’s forbidden, it’s just that the attraction is usually not there; in the example, Joe might also not care for men in that way.

You’ll sometimes have a group that’s practising polyfidelity: Anyone in the group can have sex with everyone else who’s part of the group, but no one outside of it.

It all comes down to what everyone involved wants, communicates, and gets consent for. Polyamory is a lot of work and discussions!

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Polycules and metamores? I’ve never heard of those. Obviously they’re not, but if you had just dropped those words in front of me and told me to guess what they are I’d have said terms I’ve forgotten from my high school science books. Particularly polycules. Metamores I have half a guess where that might be going but I am pretty sure I’m missing something.

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A metamour is a partner of your partner you’re not romantically involved with. In the example above, Mike would be Joe’s metamour (and vice versa, since they are both dating Sally).

Polycule takes its cue from chemistry, as you describe connections between individuals, like bonds between atoms in a molecule. Or rather, the polycule is the generic name for any number of poly relationships. You can have Vs: Amy is dating Simmy and Simmy is also dating Carol. Amy and Carol are not dating, hence the connection is like a V, with one partner at each “end”, with Simmy at the bottom.
If Carol and Amy started dating, the V would become a triangle. The four-people example above could be described as a Z. Since all that can get pretty complicated (these are easy examples!), the word polycule is used to describe poly groups.

In other words, if people ask, get ready to draw diagrams. I’m not joking.

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To me polyamour means to love multiple people the same way. It’s not even neccessary that they have sex.

Where an orgy is based upon an agreement to have sex with multiple people and love doens’t need to be involved.

I see no common ground.

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No kidding… :face_with_spiral_eyes: Ooof! :face_with_spiral_eyes: I think I’m too simple to navigate something like that in real life. :sweat_smile:

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A life like this has its rewards :slight_smile: It’s work, but apart from negative experiences with uncommunicative partners who were more into the idea of “being poly” than actually living a life of trusting communication, the effort I’ve put in has always been absolutely worthwhile.

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I see my situation as polyamorous rather than an orgy. We are 3 couples who engage in sex and fun together. We are friends, we meet up and go for meals, share hobbies together and yes there is quite a bit of emotion between different members however our bonds with our significant others are unbreakable.

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I’m not saying you guys aren’t poly, that’s for you to decide. “Polyamorous” describes relationships, though, not sexual encounters. You could have orgies (or any other kind of sexual experiences) within the context of poly relationships, but orgies don’t need to happen in a poly context. That was my point.

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I polyamourus doesn’t need to involve sex.

I see polyamourus as being in love with multiple people. Possibly have sex with all of them. But just as possible that sex only happens with one of them and the others is just for the love.

There are so many possible varieties. Like a woman living in a lesbian relationship, but meanwhile having an anal only relationship with a man on the side. Or both the women having sex with that man. I read a story like that once. A man tellibg that he had exclusive anal sex with two lesbian women, living in his building, who were a couple. But they both craved anal sex with a man every now and then.

Or why not a married couple where the man has a boyfriend on the side. Because he’s bi and his wife loves him enough to share him.

A married couple who take in a young woman who has sex with both. Some love will always devellop.

But to me it all seems complicated :grin:

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Okay, here’s my next question - I’ve seen the term “rituals” used in relation to BDSM relationships. Can someone please elaborate what is meant by this and how it might look?

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Sure thing.
Imagine, if you will, being in a long-term BDSM-type relationship. Yeah, sure, you have hot, hot sex, great roleplay, spanking sessions, play with shibari, what have you, but most of all: You also have a day job. Probably both of you. You’re not mistress so-and-so walking through your office, not accepting anyone to talk back to you at the threat of the cane, and you’re not little Mr Cumpet in your office either; in both cases, you’re professionals who know how to separate their day to day lives from their fun time after work. (Oh, and if anyone wants to tell me that their BDSM skills are useful in their line of work as well: Sure, sure, you know how to say what you want, and you’re good at communication, but either your office culture is way different than anything I’ve ever experienced, or your sessions are conducted in office casual.)

Anyway, when the work day is over and you’re planning to have fun, it’s super useful (and beautiful) to have ways to slip back into the roles you’ve established for yourselves. It’s quite a shift from one persona to another, as you can imagine. One such way is a ritual to help all involved get back into the right head space.

For example:
Mr Cumpet (naked), kneels down in front of his mistress who’s wearing only a leather corset. He presents a leather collar to her, saying:
“Please, Mistress, accept this lowly slave’s gift of his servitude today.”
Mistress takes a look at Mr. Cumpet, perhaps inspecting his body. Finally, she’s satisfied, takes the collar offered to her and says:
“Lower your head, slave.”
Mr Cumpet lowers his head and Mistress closes the collar around his neck. She gently reaches out for his chin and turns his head upwards, making him look into her eyes.
Mistress: “You’re my Cumpet.”
Mr Cumpet: “And you are my Mistress.”

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I was visualising the fun you describe. Are you an author? If not then you should consider it

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