My opinion (about talking about anal up-front) reinforced by "Dear Prudence" advice columnist

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I (male, straight) am happily married and will hopefully remain so for many more years, but my wife and I are both in our 60s-70s and I am reminded every time I hear somebody talking about the death of a spouse that bad stuff can happen. So, I have inwardly wondered – if disaster struck and I were to eventually enter the mature-person-dating-scene – how I would approach the subject of anal. I have brought this subject up here a couple of times in various ways in other posts.

My contention is that though there may be a limited number of potential ladies interested in anal (and likely far fewer interested in anal only), that – since some significant level of anal activity is non-negotiable for me if I found myself starting a new relationship – it would be best for everybody if I was completely up-front about the importance for me of anal sex as an important (if not anal only) aspect of a sexual relationship. I equate it with a person who is gay and only interested in having a sexual relationship with other gay people. I cannot imagine my being in a relationship with a woman who has no interest in anal sex.

The feedback from this group seemed generally to be something along the line of: “If you can find a woman (who also has all the other traits you seek) by being up-front about anal sex, that is great, but it is more likely that you will have to NOT start out being so up-front, but over time try to interest the woman into having anal sex.”

I think understand where that is coming from – and it may be a more realistic approach for most people. However, I would rather not be in a relationship at all than to be in a relationship that does not include a significant amount of anal sex.

So, to my subject line… I was bored-scrolling advice columns about all sorts of random subjects and “Dear Prudence” (Emily Yoffe) had an on-topic response to an advice-seeker (about an un-named “kink”). She essentially replied that if the “kink” is important to you, important for your happiness in a relationship, and potentially even a deal-breaker requirement… get that fact out there very early in the getting-to-know-each-other phase, BEFORE there is sexual activity and BEFORE the relationship gets serious.

Adding my own spin on that, I say… and before anybody’s feelings get hurt, and before time is wasted, if the anal interest is not shared by both people.

To be clear, I would never view social activities with other people as “wasted” time if they don’t lead to anal sex. However, my time is very limited – I work a long 7 days a week doing something I love – if I were to find myself in dating mode, my “dating time” should be goal-oriented if my intent is to find a new life partner. I also respect other peoples’ time and emotional energy – if I am not right for them, I would not want to “waste” their time and emotions if I am not a qualified prospect.

I do recognize that there are gentle and sensitive ways to communicate about the importance of one’s own kinks. And I recognize that, even if the other person is open-to or already-active in a particular kink, that every person is at a different place in their “development” in that kink. All of that has to be taken into account – there should not be any hurry or any pressure, etc. But, I feel there would be a responsibility for me to communicate my interests and “requirements” coming into a new relationship.

I would enjoy hearing others’ opinions and perspectives.

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This is a though one.

My interest in anal started at age 15. My first girlfriend didn’t even want me to talk about it. My second girlfriend was game to try, but out anal sex was just a very rare extra which never worked out well.

My third girlfriend, in my 40s, asked me if I wanted to do it, she brought it up. So anal with her was an extra which was done like 30% of the time we gad sex. But she was also the one whonstarted calling me a covert gay because I clearly preffered anal over vaginal.

My wife now, also brought up the subject that she loved anal. Yet I held off for months begore we even tried it. But from the day we tried on, I assfucked her every day for 2 years. It slowed down to 4 tiles a week after that, mostly due to life getting in the way.

So here I am, 55 years old. Had anal sex with all 3 wives, yet it just happened when the relatilnship was already going. Would it had been sad if I never came to having anal with my current wife ? Probably yes, but I would have accepted blowjobs and vaginal if that was what she wanted. Cause the attraction was towards her as a woman and a human being.

Her love for anal and willingness for an anal only relationship was really the cherry on the tastfull cake she already was.

If this marriage fails, I will stay single. Cause to be honest, no woman can ever get even up to level with my wife. Not on who she is, not on how good she looks and most certainly not on how fantastic she is to have sex with.

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I understand where you are coming from, @AnalLover. I agree with your position - however, to be blunt, many people who have asked about this very topic before you were not married men in their 60s to 70s, but often self-confessed virgin young men with little to no experience dating anyone.

There is a way to broach the subject of kinks, and it is necessary if your partner not being into your kinks would be a deal breaker. Hell, if I would date a person not into BDSM, I wouldn’t know what to do in bed. So I do breach the subject - once I’m sure we’re compatible on other levels (socially, i.e. can we have fun having a conversation, do we want similar things out of life, do I feel good in her company). It’s a delicate thing, hence why my go-to-answer concerning younger men is “get to know her first, figure out the rest later”. (Or, concerning BDSM, “date within the scene”, but, well, can’t do that concerning anal only.)

I would also caution, when you’re dealing with younger people, that anal has a certain stigma for many people, especially women. It’s often seen as degrading and painful. Going into a conversation with a potential partner, not knowing her, knowing nothing about her experience with or opinion about anal, and leading with “I only want anal sex” … you might even scare off women who are into anal, and that’s saying nothing about those who don’t.

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Also happily married for 40+ years. Because we’ve been married for so long, it would take quite a bit of time before either of us would consider dating. I’ve selfishly asked my wife to allow me to pass first because I can’t stand the thought of losing her.

I believe this issue should be easier for someone older to deal with because life is short. I also strongly believe that men can help women understand the pleasure associated with anal play and penetration. I helped my wife learn this 6+ years ago.

Perhaps I’m wrong, but I also believe there may be some older women who were never asked or introduced to the concept of anal by previous partners. There may be interest among such women to see what it’s all about before they get “too old”, whatever the hell that means.

The likelihood of two people of any age meeting and discovering a mutual fondness for anal is slim to none. God forbid, if I was ever faced with a similar situation, I would want to help a woman learn to appreciate and desire anal play and penetration. If she rejected the notion, I believe I’d have to move on until I found a woman who was more open minded. This also means I’d have to be patient in helping a woman find such pleasure by taking it slowly… effectively the same thing I did years ago when my wife discovered powerful orgasms during anal penetrating, something she never experienced during vaginal penetration.

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Very interesting question. I think when we get older we realize we have less time to dilly dally about anything and asking for what we want is fair. However, this subject can be quite explosive.
Even if a woman was interested, many may not reveal it while just getting to know you. If you can gauge if she is open minded in the first date or two, maybe you can bring it up when the time is right.

Another school of thought is to take small steps each time you are intimate and talk about it afterwards.

Sharing information about the subject is helpful too, especially the positive experiences of others.

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Thanks for the great feedback and perspectives.

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