Since this came up in an Intro post, maybe it’s worth discussing seperatly.
My personal perspective is that I don’t see a connection between the two. I realize many dom/sub relations are about anal sex as the dominance. But lets keep kinks out of this discussion. Too many variables there.
I have never been dominant in my ways, but I have always felt like it was my role to provide. Money issues ? I found ways to make more. Something broken ? 9/10 times I was able to fix it. It made me feel valuble and my ex appreciated it.
When I met the woman I’m married to now, she stated she was submissive and needed a man to be in control. That honestly scared me, cause great responsibility comes which such a dynamic. Later she explained that her view on this was not black and white.
So my wife is an overthinker. She can’t stop overthinking everything and her mind is always full on. What she wanted was someone who could ease her mind, by taking over some of the reasons for her overthinking. She needed mental peace, more than anything.
That I can do. That kind of dominance is in par with my core as a man. So now our dynamic is one of respect for male/female behavior in the old fashioned way.
Open the car door for her.
Walk into unknown places first and then guide her in.
Always consider the seating position which suits her needs.
Letting her feel I’m there through subtile touches and physical guidance when called for.
In return I get the kind of woman I’ve never had before.
A will to please
Supportive in nature
Allows me to guide our lives
I have permanent consent to use her sexually
Financial freedom (my ex was the opposite)
This last is where it’s all at. I’ve been in a lifetime marriage with a woman who demasculated me. I thrive now that I have the opposite kind of woman. I feel more appreciated, while my wife feels more at ease.
We both strongly believe all of this adds to our anal only dynamic. Recently she admitted she was afraid she would miss pussy sex when agreeing to go anal only, yet it never happened. Pretty soon she was entirely happy with only having her ass fucked.
So my conclusion is that I’m simply happy having a more traditional woman in my life. While I’ve always considered myself progressive, this contradicts it.
Even if you don’t see it, there is a clear relationship between the penetrating partner and dominance, and the receiving partner and submission. It’s intrinsically linked to sexual activity. But I agree with you: this dynamic is only relevant to the couples who enjoy exploring it.
To me, it’s clear that this doesn’t apply to my relationship. My wife is the owner of her own body: she decides if I can enter her, when it will happen, how long I can stay inside her, and when I can cum. So, who is the dom and who is the sub? But she loves the grounding feeling she gets when she sleeps with me inside her ass. By surrendering me the most vulnerable part of her body, she feels protected, loved, safe, and have the most peaceful sleep. So, if I spend the night being her protector and bodyguard, who is the dom and who is the sub?
My wife is generally speaking more sub minded. But… in case we have some fight or arguement going, I will not even think about doing anything sexual to her. It’s simply something which doesn’t sit well with me. Arguements should be solved before physical love can happen. Call me old fashioned in that sense.
We have talked about the possibility to do the opposite, though. So while we’re in an arguement, simply shove my cock up her ass. She believes it will calm her down and make her comply.
As I ‘ve come to know her, I think she will not take it well and it will simply make the situation worse. So even though she suggested it, I’m reluctant to even try
I had doubts to try, but never acted on it. Which is weird, considering I have her consent.
Just select any person’s text by dragging the mouse cursor. A small window will appear over the selection: “Quote”, “Copy quote”, “Share on X” and “Send via email”. Try it! You can do it before or after clicking the “Reply” button.
This is really very interesting and incredibly related to my case.
My wife suffers from chronic anxiety, her brain is accelerated and she can’t relax easily. If we had an argument and I shoved my cock up her ass, her nervous systems would certainly panic and I would receive the most painful slap possible. That is, if I could even get it in, because her sphincter would be completely closed to me.
But during the night, sleeping inside her, it’s the complete opposite. When I get still, trapped in her colon, the pressure on her internal nerves shuts down her brain, and her anxiety gets a complete reset. Her body knows this better than her conscious brain; it craves my cock and only relaxes after I reach her colon. Anal penetration is a powerful sedative for her.
And to reply on this quote: I am the penetrating one, totally no interest to receive. I want to use her asshole, it’s my whole reason to love anal sex.
Dominance versus submission is all in the personality/psychology/headspace of the participants. It is perfectly plausible to receive without being submissive, and to give without being dominant. Intent, not the action, determines the dynamic.
I believe anal only relationships tend to have some kind of dom/sub dynamic by virtue of the fact that the ass is typically viewed as not being a hole for pleasure (by the rest of society). As such, the idea of someone using their ass instead of their “primary” pleasure organ is likely at the directive of the dominant partner in a relationship (not always, but I would imagine a lot of the time). That’s not a hard rule, I just think that it’s a statistical likelihood.
“Anal only” as I have come to understand it is primarily focuses on female anal recipients. So if a dom/sub dynamic is a substantial factor in women primarily receiving anal. It stands to reason that men would primarily be the dominant ones.
I think male recipients of anal only are probably more part of the sissy community, and asking if a sissy dynamic is associated with female dominance seems a foolish question. Just as, to me, it seems silly to ask if male dominance is associated with anal only.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to say how I feel about this topic. I think first, I’m in agreement with folks that I don’t necessarily see a necessary connection between penetrating and dominance. But I do think that penetration and dominance often go hand in hand.
More generally, I’ve been increasingly thinking about my love of anal in the way that Stjepan Šejić describes BDSM kinksters in his comic Sunstone: they’re “sexual nerds”. They’re like the D&D kids, creating elaborate scenarios and personas and roleplaying them together in the basement. They don’t just want to have sex, they want to research it, and plan it, and explore it, and talk about it too.
I’m a book nerd outside of my sex life, so that nerdy approach to sex really clicks with me. I like that anal for me involves planning, pushing boundaries, and yes getting to feel a little vulnerable and sexy and submissive. Oh yeah, and it feels really good too! When I get to immerse myself in that headspace, it also helps take away the overthinking and anxiety that I often have in other areas of my life.
All of this to say that the dynamic I’m slowly developing with my partner in the bedroom is often not the dynamic we have in our everyday lives. And that’s by design. It’s part of why I enjoy nerding out with anal in the bedroom. But I think that’s my way of exploring anal, and not the way anal has to be, and not the way a relationship involving anal has to be outside of the bedroom. Even if my partner is becoming a little more dominate in the bedroom, and I’m becoming a little more submissive, that doesn’t mean our broader relationship is characterized by that same dynamic. Though I know it will be different for other people.
Anyway, I’m not sure if any of that that makes sense, but I tried!
It definitely makes sense to me… as both a male in an anal only relationship… and a d&d nerd!
My wife and I have a pretty egalitarian relationship generally. We are both very self sufficient and capable folks. I’d say we have developed an inter-dependent way of living and supporting each other as well.
I saw anal only as a lifestyle I was interested in for both the physical pleasure and the intimacy and trust it requires. However, much to my initial discomfort, me talking about this desire Les to her expressing her desire for more bdsm and kink, and her desire to be submissive in the bedroom. This was really challenging for me at first, particularly her desire for impact play and degrading comments. I am keenly aware of the high rates of violence against women and was ingrained by my parents to respect and never abuse women. A lot of discussion and trial and error has allowed me to see that there is no abuse in our play, and that u want to meet her needs and make her happy. Over time I have come to enjoy and be turned on by this play, because I understand the dynamics actually happening. So I do believe I have shifted to being more dominant - in our sex life… our relationship dynamics outside the bedroom are as egalitarian as ever. Over time we have both shifted… she has come to adore anal only and made it clear that Our sex life is the best it’s ever been and she seeks anal centric play exclusively and would not settle to return to vaginal, and I have come to enjoy the dominant role for its own sake. Dan savage says that sex play is like playing “cops and robbers for grown up… with your pants off” - a similar analogy to your d&d one… it’s a constructed fantasy and fun.
In the past, when i was married to a 99,99% vaginal woman, she was very much focussed on her orgasm. Like the whole joy of sex was that brief moment she came. Everything before that was forgotten.
Unless… she couldn’t orgams because of her own overthinking:
“shit I need to pee”
“Why do I see light outside ?”
“Do I hear my kids ?”
“I don’t feel it, what’s wrong ?”
“The ceiling needs to be painted”
“Maybe he thinks I’m fat”
This is no exaggeration, this was real life with her. She needed to overcome all that to simply be able to relax enough to orgasm. So the longer we were together, the harder it got for her. And it dominated our marriage in a negative way. It killed spontanaity, and it dragged the fun out of having sex.
Going anal only with my wife, years back, was totally mindblowing because not only did she willinly give up pussysex, she sort of submitted to being my anal only fucktoy. Her need for orgasms faded and her need to be assfucked increased. The actual fucking part was were the joy was. Like it took the place of her need to orgasm. She also has this symbiotic way of feeling my orgasm build up and going along with me, even saying “oooh yesss” while I’m shooting cum up her ass. And it’s not coïncidental. It’s every single time I cum.
In a way I feel that agreeíng to go to anal sex exclusive, made her drop into a sexually submissive mindset. Willingly, I hasn’t even been discussed. It evolved smoothly. I feel extremely dominant if I just say “get on your knees, I’m gonna assfuck you” and she always complies. Not ever did she refuse to assfuck or to suck my cock. She simply doesn’t. Ever. That to me is true sexual submission.
