As the quintessential good girl who still has that reputation amongst those I grew up with, I totally get what you mean about the shame of discovering it through porn. My introduction to my own sexual feelings (or sexual awakening or however you want to term it) was at the hands of my abuser (who was a peer) and masturbation. For the former, I was convinced I was partially to blame for what happened to me for years thanks to grooming from my abuser and less than nuanced and not entirely accurate teaching at church. Wanna talk guilt and shame? I felt it in spades. For the latter, masturbation was talked about in serious tones often reserved for things like adultery. I heard sermons and workshops against it. (For the record, masturbation isn’t even in the Bible. All manner of other sexual activities are (good and bad) but not that.) So the fact that I masturbated at times had me convinced I must be some kind of degenerate.
I wasn’t then and I’m not now.
I also somewhat understand, I think, what you mean about the beauty as an art verses just a feeling. Good sex of whatever variety is an art and one that takes practice, patience, and skill to master. Anal in particular radically highlights the need for trust, vulnerability, and a relationship with your partner. I know people exist who have it without those things, but I think the bulk of the people here agree, it’s best enjoyed with someone you have an actual relationship with. It can also have a visual appeal (obviously) that one can find aesthetically pleasing up through erotic (and both at once). Personally, I’m the persuasion it’s best seen in first person or in the mirror, but everyone gets to make their own decisions on that. So that you’re choosing to abstain from viewing porn is, in my opinion, perfectly valid.
I’m also of the opinion it’s simply another way of having sex. It’s a preference/kink that people have to varying degrees. Some don’t mind it, others crave it exclusively. Your not crazy, wimpy, weak, or anything else. You simply like it. It appeals to you on multiple levels. Nothing wrong with that.
Oh, and just tossing this out there - take it from someone who was a virgin up through my mid twenties and has gotten somewhat adventurous since: sometimes what you like in concept you end up liking in reality. Sometimes what you like in concept doesn’t work for you in reality and when that happens, sometimes you drop liking the concept and sometimes you keep liking it in concept but not practice despite some honest trying. That’s fine. Just acknowledge however it works out and move on. It can be disappointing, but it gives you a chance to explore what else might you like and learn about yourself. I say all this to say - if you find a great girl and everything is going really well, you’ve got great chemistry, similar philosophy on life, everything falls into place except that she doesn’t get thrilled at the thought of anal - don’t despair and don’t give up on it. You might find other things in bed you both enjoy, she might come around, you two may be able to figure out a work around that makes you both happy. Or you might have anal and decide it isn’t for you after all. You’re still a virgin. Concept is different from practice. You never know how things will shake out.
I certainly never thought I’d be here!
