Help me to understand myself?

Introduction
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I’ve been reading here for a while. Decided to finally post something. As other people have mentioned this topic is difficult to find info on. Difficult to have an honest discussion. About me, I’m a 29 year old woman, living in the UK. I guess like most people in their 20’s I’ve been a serial monogamist. Current relationship is steady, 2 years in. I don’t consider myself the cheating type, but I have had some ‘side things’ from time to time. As to the main topic of this forum, I like it. The first time I did it I found it pretty uncomfortable but at the same time amazingly exciting. After that I learned how to take it, give it, enjoy it. Never looked back.

But here is the thing. I never do it with my partner/boyfriend, only in these side flings. Whenever a boyfriend has suggested anal I always say no. They always accept it, most girls say no, so they accept it. But then when I’m away, or when they are away, or when I feel like I just need it I swipe Tinder or Feeld or just flirt a bit with whoever. Before I know it I’m in a hotel room face down butt up.

I’m studying for a PhD at the moment, there is a conference circuit with 3 or 4 meetings per year, one guy that I hooked up with last year now starts sending me dicpics a few days before every conference, he messages me things like “If you want this in your arse then wear X colour blouse or Y colour suit when you give your presentation.” My reactions vary, sometimes I think “well I’m definitely not doing that”, but then I do it. I do what he says and give him what he wants, and get what I want. But I don’t tell my boyfriend, obviously. I don’t care about that conference guy, I don’t want to leave my boyfriend for him, but I also don’t say no to him. He is just the latest in a line, there have been several on-the-side-backdoor-men.

I’m posting to get your feedback, to help me try to understand the pattern. Try to understand myself.

When I’m with my boyfriend I imagine other men fucking me in the ass. When I’m with the other guy I imagine that I am someone else, not even me.

What does all this say about me?
Am I a bad person? Am I a pervert? Deviant?
Should I tell my partner? Confess?
Should I offer my ass to him after all?

I’ve thought about it. I’ve tried to work through it. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so guilty, I dont like being a cheater but some part of me really wants this act and another part of me really wants my main partner not to know.

Help me figure this out??

Thanks B

2

This is complicated to say the least.

Seems a dominance thing. Like I wonder what would happen if your boyfriend would say (not ask) “I am going to fuck your ass now” and just shoves it in.

And sorry to burst that bubble: you are a cheater. Cause you keep doing it. Is there a validation issue in your life ? Father issues ? Who knows where this urge originated.

I don’t think telling your boyfriend will help anyone, but staying with him isn’t very honest either.

I realize my post isn’t much if a help. But i feel your situation and your boyfriends situation simultaniously

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Hi Brit

First of all, don’t ‘confess’ nothing. If you don’t consider yourself a cheater then there is nothing to confess., Right?

On the other hand, if you are honest with yourself, if you are a cheater, then this is your problem not your partners problem. If you are bad enough to cheat then you have to be strong enough to handle the guilt or whatever other bad feelings come up. Do you think ruining his day/year/life will make you feel better? You did the crime so now you do the time, live with the guilt and don’t punish him for your actions.

That said. Imaging other guys fucking you isn’t a crime. Imagining anything isn’t a crime. Come to think of it cheating isn’t actually a crime either so if you are driven to be face down ass up in a hotel room with a stranger and you can’t get that kick any other way then just do it.

Maybe lead your BF into suggesting opening up your relationship. Or just make the next of your serial monogamy open from the start. Then you would be home free. Right?

(And don’t let guys tell you ‘daddy issues’. Just get your rocks off without harming anybody else)

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Brit -

Only you will ever decode an understanding of yourself. Self-analysis takes a lifetime.

For what it’s worth to you, I can say that the thought of being in your boyfriend’s shoes is literally nightmarish for me. I would rather be in a sexless relationship, trusting my partner’s fidelity and sensitivity to my weaknesses, than to find myself betrayed in such an intimate and vulnerable way. Unless your BF signed up for cuckolding, kink and open relationships, I can’t fathom how honesty would ever become part of trusting healthy relationship with him. If honesty and trust are not at the core of your relationship, then you probably will want to figure out what is.

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At the same time, sexual excitement has an amazing knack for operating quite independently of the idealized, integrated version of oneself. I can, for instance, readily imagine being in your position, and find it unexpectedly titillating. Although I think I would not like to be your boyfriend and find out about your adventures, I can appreciate the excitement of being you and having them. This is an intriguing post.

The most germane thing would be to invite you to express what do you think drives you to seek the experiences? Is is a process of integration, or one of compartmentalization?

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A lot to unpack in this one alright. One thing for sure, if you are thinking any kind of “anal isn’t cheating” type mantra then you have come to the wrong place. For the AOL guys anal is the main event, its more like “vaginal isn’t cheating”!

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Thanks for your replies guys. I don’t think it is a validation thing. Its not an anal isn’t cheating thing either.

I think, as @F655A touched on, it is a self identity thing, like the future wholesome wife and mother version of myself would never do such nasty kinky shit as this. So some other version of myself has to occasionally break out and take over. I know when it happens I don’t question it, its like ‘obviously this has to happen now, I can’t contain it any longer, need to let off steam’.

After reading your responses and thinking about all this I’ve been asking myself how I can overcome this. Can I resolve it?

I can’t see a way to merge these versions of self. Its not only that I don’t want to admit that I am not fully and perfectly fitting in the wholesome mould, I also have a feeling that it would take the fun out of the occasional sluttish breakout.

What do you think? Have any of you dealt with anything like this? Are you all completely unconflicted about being so kinky?

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For me, I Iong experienced confliction, about wanting anal, self fantasies about being female, fantasies about being ultimate alpha male, insane jealousy and possessiveness of my girlfriends and wife, etc. I realized that my ideations and emotional responses were arranged like a tribe around a thing I called myself. Some members of my tribe are vastly different from each other, and, more so in the past, frequently came into conflict. As chief of my tribe, I have needed to gradually discern what my tribal spirit actually is. The differences are wonderful, if tribal members can appreciate and benefit from each others’ strengths and support each others’ weaknesses. This is what I call integration.

The tricky part is when you are involved with others, who believe in perhaps only an individual member of your tribe, and take their resultant idea of you to be your entire self. You become trapped in their ideas of who you are, and they try to hold you to it.

You have an interesting task before you, and I would recommend integration over compartmentalization. Suppressing parts of your identity will only lead to sickness and weirdness. Whereas learning who and what your identity members are will lead to a healthier more complete you.

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I can kind of understand the “tribe of self” stuff. Definitely in the early days and before the current AO experiment I used to have thoughts in the middle of the act like “who is this girl” or the day after I would have flashbacks like “where did that anal whore come from, I can’t believe I let her take me over, can’t wait for the next time!”

But now that I am in an AO phase I have to be more ‘honest’ about it, have to get OK with the reality that it really is me doing those more kinky things. I mean it is only slightly more kinky anyway. My BF is fully on board with AO being completely natural and normal so he doesn’t give me any extra dirty talk or try to paint it as whorish or in any way kinky. But, there are times that the kinkyness of it overtakes me, sometimes I’m just walking to work or wherever and I get an overwhelming sense of “I can’t believe my life is this kinky”, like pretending it is normal and not kinky is the kinkiest thing ever.

These days I also get flashbacks along the lines of “pussy sex, remember those days”, “I wonder what it is like to be fucked in the vag?”, “I used to be a person that did that, but I’ve kind of forgotten how it is now”. Maybe some day will try that again - just to be extra kinky. LOL.

I never really thought too much yet about future mom/wife stuff. I think if I said I wanted to get pregnant now he would insist on using a turkey baster!!!

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It’s not the same, but my ex told me in 2016 that she was fucking a guy every week for 14 months. It also started out of a feeling of boredom and she told herself for over a year it was temporary. One day it would stop and she would go back to the boring life.

Untill she understood she fell in love with him. Then she decided to leave everything behind to persue a new and better life.

But doing so, she did me the favor of setting me free. Cause I was that man that would have stayed with the mother of my children, no matter what.

Now she’s the one alone, after 3 guys who all left her. Meanwhile I am living the life I dreamt of while I was with her. But with a better, sexier and prettier woman who happens to love anal sex and blowjobs. I am genuinly happy that some guy seduced my ex back then. And I understand her cheating and falling in love. Our life had become so boring and predictable that even sex was never spontaniously. Untill she was cheating on me, then she felt slutty for fucking two men and got much easier to have sex with. Because the notion that two guys wanted to fuck her made her feel kinky and sexy. I had the best sexlife with her those 14 months that she was cheating on me.

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HI Brit2k2 …

Maybe I am missing something in all of this, but what I think I am understanding in all of this is that you (or some part of you) seems to think that you must have two different identities in order to be happy with yourself. Do I understand correctly?

If I am understanding correctly, then I suggest that is not healthy for you, not respecting of yourself, not respecting of any of your partners including your boyfriend, not possible to maintain long term without really messing up your head, likely to blow up when you least expect it and can cause huge damage – imagine if you have a child with your boyfriend or one of the other lovers, and is not fair to your boyfriend.

Perhaps you have already explained it and I have not understood it, but… WHY would it not work for you to develop your relationship with your boyfriend to include the kind and level of anal (and whatever) activity that your heart, body, and compulsions require. (You are doing it already with others, so it sounds like something that is required for your happiness.) …

… The transition that would be necessary with your boyfriend might be a huge surprise to him (perhaps he will be VERY happy about it???), but the way I see it, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by having a more complete and integrated relationship with your boyfriend.

I am NOT NOT NOT suggesting that you should tell you have been doing. If you do that, he will likely be gone in a heartbeat. – Either that is what you wanted (him leaving you) to happen all along or there was something big missing in your relationship with him that prevented you from being your WHOLE SELF with him. However, please do NOT hurt him any more than he would be hurt already if things don’t work out for the two of you. …

… What I AM suggesting is sitting down with him and telling him something like: “Prior to meeting you I had some experiences with anal sex [or whatever] that I have come to realize that I have really missed. I don’t know why I have not talked with you about this before – I should have talked with you about this quite a while ago, but I was afraid to disrupt the great thing we already had going, and I was embarrassed [or whatever] and did not know how to bring up the subject. However, I now realize that anal sex [or whatever] is very important to who I am and I want us to talk about and implement changing aspects of our sexual relationship to include [whatever it is you want to be doing].”

If that approach does not appeal to you, then perhaps you don’t REALLY have the feelings for your boyfriend that you are saying that you have. (We all, especially at your age, do or avoid doing, some stuff that we have been “programmed” to do, but that is not really our true self.)

If there is some aspect of you that, for some reason, does not want, or is not able, to have the entire range of sexual activity with one person, then I suggest that you are not yet ready to be with one person. If you cannot be with only one person, I suggest that you instead do one or more of the following.

a) For now, give up on the idea of having a single boyfriend or partner until you are ready. (A few years will likely make a huge difference in how you feel about this subject.) Let your boyfriend be free of your need to be non-monogamous and your lack of ability to share your whole self with him. Let him move on to a relationship that will be healthier and more complete for him. That also frees you to be you without having to worry about this stuff (in regard to your boyfriend).

b) AND/OR seek out multiple boyfriends / partners / lovers, with ALL whom you are TOTALLY HONEST that you are polyamorous, you are NOT seeking monogamy, and you are not seeking a committed long-term relationship with one person. ABSOLUTE AND COMPLETE HONESTY.

Other than trying to be respectful of your boyfriend and not hurting him by telling him stuff (about your current activities and your recent past during his tenure) that he does not need to know, I suggest that from this moment forward that you become a completely honest, transparent, and open person. That can happen either with your boyfriend, or with future relationships. If you choose to follow that path, I think you will find tremendous relief that you no longer have to lie every day to people you care about.

Yes, not telling a boyfriend about ongoing activity with other people IS ACTIVE LYING. I am sorry, but there is just no way around that conclusion under my personal standards. However, not telling a boyfriend about PAST activity is a “white lie by omission” which, depending upon your moral and ethical standards, could potentially be acceptable to avoid hurting somebody you love. By my personal standards, a “white lie” to protect somebody you love is sometimes okay as long as it is not about a current / ongoing / future activity. However, a “white lie” to protect yourself is just a plain and simple lie. If one has to lie to others to protect oneself, that is a problem and is not fair to the other people – and in the long term, it can seriously hurt oneself.

While your particular situation is a little on the extreme side, a LOT of people, especially at your age, get themselves into ethical and moral conundrums. You are NOT ALONE in this. What makes the difference for the future is whether or not you “do the work” to develop your own (not programmed) morals and ethics, and then apply them.

Lastly – I have already said far too much – my own personal approach to life is: If something is going to eventually happen anyway or needs to eventually be done, BE BRUTAL and DO IT NOW. Otherwise I will suffer the long-term unhappiness of “a thousand cuts” and the resulting long-term damage to my mental health, instead of standing up, being brave, being kind, being honest, and doing what needs to be done… NOW. It feels SO MUCH BETTER to do the right thing (whatever the right thing is for me). I cannot even begin to tell you how much I now wish I had understood that when I was in my teens, twenties, and thirties. I wasted decades of my life until I understood this.

I wish you the best of happiness and success in your life. You are in charge of defining what happiness and success mean for you.

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Just reread your intro an these questions pop in my head:

  • Why don’t you want your boyfriend to assfuck you ?
  • How do you combine feeling guilty with telling yourself you need this and are not the cheating type ?
  • Is your boyfriend really the one you want or is he simply the safe choice you setteled for ?
  • Are your flings generally bad boys, different then your boyfriend ?
  • Is the sexlife you have with your boyfriend not enough ? Since you fantasize about another man assfucking you while you have sex with him.
  • Do you want double penetration, so sex two men at once ?

Judging from your intro post you seem to be searching for yourself. That’s okay, but you dragg an unknowing man into this and that’s not okay

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Well, this was “Help me to understand myself?” and it could be that Brit by now feels maybe a teensy bit judged. I remain intrigued by the question.

I’ve always wanted to ask whether ladies find that anal sex has a different energetic component to it than vaginal sex. That may sound like a “duh” question, since our interest in it has us all here in the first place. Specifically what I would ask is whether anal feels more like a primal energy feeding that enters and floods a woman’s body for whatever immediate use her spirit desires. I can only imagine what vaginal sex might feel like, but wonder if the psychological/emotional/“spiritual” nature of it isn’t somehow different. If so, it could be a basis for Brit being of two minds when it comes to with whom she engages for either act.

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@Backdoorlover be careful about throwing around accusations of innocence. @Brit2k2 is putting herself way out there by asking for our input. We don’t know the whole story yet. In my experience guys are not innocent! (OK, generally speaking people are not innocent. Buy guys are more guilty). Especially guys that like to fuck girls in the ass. Think about it, who would want to be fucked in the ass by an innocent? Or maybe he is just guilty of neglect.

You also, are probably guilty (of something). Right?

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Well, het question is “help me to understand myself”. To do so these questions come to mind. I’m not making them up. They originated from her introntext and I have an analytical mind.

Where do I accuse her of anything ? It’s all in her own text.