I’ve been reading Nancy Friday’s My Secret Garden that collect’s women’s sexual fantasies. Many of the themes are really intense, and it got me thinking about my own fantasies. Sometimes I fantasize about really cruel or mean things (I’ve even written some of them down). Then I get ashamed that I would have such gross thoughts. Does anyone else have fantasies that they’re a little ashamed of?
More generally, do you think we shouldn’t fantasize about certain things? The philosopher G.E. Moore argues that a world in which men only contemplated lascivious ideas would be worse than no world at all. It seems to me he’s saying that there’s something bad (though perhaps only a little bit) in imagining bad things, even if we don’t actually act on those fantasies.
I think this is what happens when I’m up too late doing philosophy homework and my mind starts to wander to naughty things.
In the past, I used to feel ashamed of certain fantasies, mostly BDSM related. There were days when I was so naughty that I couldn’t avoid watching some cruel porn videos. But gradually I began to understand that some things that turned me on to watch (or to fantasize), didn’t excite me doing it. At first, this became obvious for some sexual positions: it worked well on video, but not for us on practice. Then it became obvious for some practices we tried, like ass spanking and oral sex with whipped cream. Maybe me with another woman, maybe her with another man, then things could be different. But not for the two of us together. We mapped out what worked and what didn’t, and now we experiment with only new things not so far from those we already like.
So, sorry Mr. Moore, I like to fantasize about bad lascivious things, but I know I wouldn’t enjoy to act on those fantasies.
Anal play and sex completely satisfies our fantasies. My wife was really turned on when we watched a scene where the woman was riding a cock in her ass and another woman was licking her pussy, but this will never happen. I admit the scenario turns me on as well.
Both of us do whatever we can to make each anal session as satisfying as possible for each other. We believe this contributes to our powerful orgasms.
It’s a common theme in My Secret Garden that many fantasies are not the kinds of things that we want to experience in real life. Friday writes, “No, rather than a frustrated cry for more real sex, I think that a lot of female fantasy is a psychic need for a more complete exploration of everything that was kept from them as girls, of everything that could be conceivably thought sexual.”
I think my initial attraction to anal came in part from a desire for more exploration, and after I didn’t get a full experience the first time I tried it, I returned to it because it in some sense had been “kept” from me. Similar with the anal only lifestyle more generally, I’m very curious about it, as a fantasy for sure. Whether I end up acting out that fantasy remains to be seen.