Both have to be into it, though. There lies the problem.... but she is not into it

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In another thread, Backdoorlover said:
Both have to be into it, though. There lies the problem.

Indeed, very true.

A while ago my wife and I made the mutual decision to start slowly experimenting with anal activities (her receiving). She wanted me to be happy and she was aware that anal not being on the menu was unhappy for me. However, anal was against her “life training” and she is definitely not a person who naturally likes the idea of sexual experimentation, so it was always going to be an “uphill” process. (I have always been the complete opposite in that regard; I am highly sexual and always interested in experimentation.)

Though we progressed quite well for a few months with actually doing anal once or twice per week, she did not become comfortable with it. Though we went very slowly, used lots of lube, etc., etc., she was experiencing “major discomfort” to “pain”. She tried to “tough it out”, but eventually it was obvious that the activity was just not working for her – and there was no indication at all that it was going to get any better for her. And there was no hint of her getting any pleasure (on any level) from anal. Importantly, she was never herself actively interested in doing anal – she was all along trying to do it because she knew it was a very strong desire for me.

So, one of the corollaries to Backdoorlover’s quote is that “if both are not into it, it is probably not going to work out”.

We have at least taken a break from anal activity (her receiving). I continue to be hopeful that we can try again, but as we know from his past experiences that Backdoorlover has told us about, sometimes there is just no way to convince somebody else to give something a chance if they just don’t want to to it. There is no way to “make” somebody enjoy something – or at least try to develop enjoyment in it – if they are “just not into it”.

A further complication – at least for me – is that I seem to be incapable of “keeping it up” when my partner is uncomfortable or feeling worse. I am the opposite of a male porn star who can just keeping going regardless of the female porn star’s obvious discomfort (or worse). I can’t do that and I would never want to do that – and I don’t like seeing that uncaring attitude in porn.

Anyway, I try to remain hopeful and try to keep open the communication about anal, without being “pushy”. At the same time, it is very sad for me.

Wish me luck – unfortunately, I think it will require luck.

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I recognize this with my first wife. Her mouth said yes, but her asshole vlearly said no, enless she was tipsy from wine. And I’m not into that kinda stuff like numbing feelings out to be able to recieve.

I fear she will never be comfortable with anal if all that goes through her head. Best course to take is don’t mention anal for a few months, then when in a relaxed setting, talk to her about it again and see where she is in her idea about anal. If yes, restart slowly with fingers and small toys. Let her experience anal joy.

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Good luck, I’m sorry to hear that you and your wife aren’t on the same page about this. I don’t want to pry too much, so feel free to ignore my question, but did you know you were into anal when you first got together with your wife?

I ask only because I feel like it’s common advice to move on from a significant other if your bedroom needs are not being met. But as much as I love anal play, I can’t see it being a defining make or break aspect of a relationship, at least not at this point in my life. So I’m curious for perspectives from people who know they like anal, but continue with a partner who is not into it anyway.

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Thanks for your advice. Good idea.

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Thank you for your thoughts.

In answer to your question, yes, I knew that I liked anal (and I very much like women), both giving and receiving, always only with women partners, but I had never really had a long-term partner who was on that same anal page. Thus when I met my now-wife and everything else was right, it did not occur to me – more than 25 years ago – that anal compatibility would be important to me. However, over the years, my interest in anal has become more intense, while her interest in any sexual activity (of any sort) has decreased.

If you read through some of my previous postings, you will notice that if I were single again – not something that I want to happen, but life has a way of unpleasant surprises – I would place a very high priority on anal compatibility if I were even seeking a relationship. However, you will also notice, in others’ replies to my postings on that subject, that others don’t seem to think that focusing on anal compatibility (when seeking a partner) is a realistic or a good idea.

I don’t know anything about dating apps, but if there isn’t an app that allows for selection of the many and varied types of sexual activity the app user is seeking, there should be such an app. If “type of sexual activity” is a deal-maker or deal-breaker for some (many?) people, then it seems to me that we should be able to “just cut to the chase” and be precise about who we are and what we are seeking.

Despite that advice given by others, if I were in the unfortunate position of dating again (which is quite hard to imagine!), I still think I would make anal compatibility a prerequisite, just as much as the person would have to be female and there would have to be mutual attraction in other usual areas, etc. Otherwise, it would not be fair to either myself (I am not getting any younger, despite my internal thinking that I am only 28 – haha!!!) or fair to the lady (who deserves not to have her time and energy “wasted” if she is trying to find a relationship).

I guess my anal history, and all of my history, is in the category of “we are all changing all of the time”. If I knew then (about myself, about relationships, and about other people) what I know now, I would probably do some things differently, such as getting out of an earlier long unhealthy relationship, or asking out on a date a stunning young woman with whom I was in a class a very long time ago. However, if had done things differently, I would not be who I am now! (That’s one of the conundrums with time travel.) But, if I had gotten out of that unhealthy relationship, I would not even have been in a part of the country where I ended up meeting my wife.

Other than the “anal concerns” I am very happy with my wife and generally happy with life as it is now, even though sometimes the “life part” has been very hard – but hard in a good way because I have been extremely privileged to have had the opportunity to choose my own life for myself and to make a significant mark in a very tiny part of the real world. Though for more than 50 years, I have worked 10-12 hours per day, almost always 7 days a week, yet I have never had a “real job”. I have never had a “boss”, but (unfortunately) I have always been the “boss” since before I was out of high school. When things have been difficult it was because of my own bad decisions – there has never been anybody to blame for my challenges – but I would not want it to have been any other way.

This is more than you asked about, but this reply is “useful therapy” for me. :slight_smile:

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Has your wife considered hormone replacement therapy? Specifically therapy that includes testosterone in the treatment?

My wife started HRT 7 years ago with great success. Benefits extend far beyond sexual health including improved sleep, mood, and weight loss.

What we didn’t expect was the incredible boost in her libido. HRT opened her mind, and her rectum, to anal sex. It also helped her discover her G-spot was mistakenly placed at birth in her rectum. Online sex discussion groups universally rave about the sexual benefits of HRT.

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Welcome back Colt, I missed you :smiley:

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I check in once in a while but it’s been very quiet. There’s a Reddit anal sub group with a few that posted here.

I like to help people and I’m much more active in the HRT, ED, and Trimix subgroups. I never thought I’d be sticking a tiny needle in my dick but the erection it produces makes me crave the next injection.

Despite the horrific mental image of two people in their late 60’s having sloppy anal sex, old people still like to fuck. My apologies to anyone who just vomited projectile style.

Hope everyone is well.

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Thank you so much for sharing. As I explore anal more, and with the encouragement and support of folks like you, I’m also finding that sexual compatibility is more and more important to me. So I like to hear people’s stories (yes, including Colt’s!). I’m glad to hear that you folk like to share them too!

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Hi Colt! Yes, my wife and I have discussed HRT, etc. She has said that she is not interested. It is probably a chicken-vs-egg problem. (Probably) because of her hormone levels, she is not interested and does not see a potential benefit. In her personal history (before I came along) sex was never a priority. That was different (improved) for some years after we met, but that slowly ebbed away.

Unless a person feels a benefit that they desire, it is not likely for them to invest the time, energy, hope, money, and potential health complications.

We keep talking about various possibilities, the potential benefits for her, and about my desires. We have not reached a dead end, at least not yet. However, I need to be careful not to “push” too much – the men in this conversation may recognizing that “pushing too hard” for something usually elicits a reaction that is the opposite of what we desire.

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My wife has always been health conscious. I don’t think she knew how low her libido was before HRT. When she started, her doc didn’t include testosterone in the therapy. She changed providers and that’s when she included testosterone in her therapy. The testosterone improved the quality of her sleep and energy.

Her increase in libido wan an unintended, but incredible and welcome, consequence of her improved therapy. She didn’t approach therapy with the intent to improve libido but here we are.

After seven years, I was challenged with ED. Rather than give up and accept the loss of erection at my age (almost 70) I discovered Trimix. Any man in this group who struggles with maintaining a firm erection, and when oral ED meds no longer work, should consider Trimix or one of the other injectables.

As I did my research, I discovered Trimix is heavily used by porn stars. Few here need a completely erect cock for endless hours of sex, but one does need a firm erection for anal. She’s submissive in the bedroom and I’m no able to take control and be the dom she wants. It’s difficult to do that when worrying about the quality of an erection.

if you’re about our age and from the US, you’ll remember the DuPont commercial “better living through chemistry”. With her HRT and my Trimix, I’m in total agreement.

Is it possible she’d consider HRT on the basis of the other health benefits it offers?