I am Natalia. 36 years woman from Ukraine. I recently start with new man. 3rd date, he ask for anal. Maybe mistake, maybe not. I allowed him slowly in with lube. OMG. Very painful. I expected with lube and slow no pain.
Why I here now? Anal all pain but 1% was pleasure. I found your forum in search to increase pleasure. I dont want repeat pain, but maybe offer my anal to man again if more than 1%.
Advise me?
Did he know about the pain ? Did you tell him ?
Best is to let him prepair you with fingers. Or buy a anal plug and train yourself. Then you decide how slow it goes in
Pain is not good.
You asked for advice. I offer a combination of advice, perspective, and experience. My comments are just my opinion based upon my experience and based upon what others have said about their experiences. Other people in this forum may disagree on some points. Take it all in and decide for yourself what is right for you.
(I am a straight married man who has for 40+ years have enjoyed using anal toys on myself and having my wife use them on me.)
Your first-time anal experience is unfortunately fairly common. And also unfortunately, it is often the last time (or the last time for many years) that a woman is interested in anal sex. That is a tragedy. For some people (both men and women) receiving anal sex can bed incredibly enjoyable and satisfying in many different ways.
The basic problem is that the anus has a huge quantity of sensitive nerves AND prior to having anal “training” and anal sex, the anus has only been trained – the sphincter is a muscle that can be trained like other muscles – for objects to pass out of it , not in and not in & out.
The “correct” answer will always be a little different for each different person, but the basic solution is to use sex toys to train those muscles for anal sex. This can be done by/with a partner (if the person has a partner), but most of the time it may be more practical for the person to do it themselves (even if their partner knows all about it – which is probably the best way to do things anyway).
The “training” takes time – a different amount of time for different people – but it is probably safe to say that at least a few weeks of daily training, totaling perhaps 20-30 days to get somewhat or mostly comfortable with an object in the ass. Also, the sphincter muscles recover (get tighter again) very quickly. At the beginning, if a person were to train only on one day a week, by the time 7 days has passed, it will almost be like starting over again. This is why I suggest every day (or every other day).
The training starts with small sex toys (very thin dildos or small anal plugs). One can inexpensively buy a set of (usually three) anal plugs, each one a slightly larger size. When you are almost comfortable with one size, then move up to the next size. Keep in mind that even if the goal is to work up to putting a penis in the ass, the person needs to start small and work up to the penis size over time.
NOTE: It is very important – most especially for a beginner – to only use sex toys that have a very large base that cannot possibly get into the ass. (Another option which may seem counter-intuitive is to use a dildo or snake-style toy that is very long – at least 15 inches – NOT because all that is to be inserted, but because it cannot get in so far that you can’t get it back out.) Though beginners don’t think it is possible (until it happens to them), it is very easy for a sex toy – if it does not have a wide base – to get “sucked into” the ass – and then it is very difficult (especially for a beginner) and scary to get it back out. Just don’t take that risk. A person should not say to themself “I will just be careful”.
Much of the success with this training is directly related to the person’s true motivation. If the person really wants to do it and if they practice regularly, there will usually be quick progress. (Again, every person is different.) However, if the person is doing it only because a partner wants them to do it, that a) suggests that the person should possibly reconsider doing it and b) the process will likely be slower and less successful. There is a huge difference between really wanting something and thus pressing on with the training even if it is not always comfortable VS doing it just because the person thinks they are supposed to do it.
I have used the word “comfortable”. It is important to understand that, for most people, this training will NOT always be comfortable – at least not at first. However, people who really want to do it barely notice the discomfort. However, “discomfort” is completely different from PAIN. There should be NO – or extremely little – PAIN involved in the training. If there is pain, then STOP for a couple days and allow the ass to recover. Then restart, go more slowly and gently.
For many (most?) people the training time (and later the first several months of actually having anal sex with a partner) is likely to NOT be trouble free. Some days it will be easier. Other days (especially if the person is tired or stressed or not really in the mood) it will be harder and/or with discomfort and possible even pain (then stop). And…
… It is very common for anal training (and anal sex) to result in a very small amount of blood to be seen. The anal tissues are very thin and fragile. A small (tiny) amount of blood is quite common. I am speaking of a “little bit of pinkness”, NOT dark red (or at least not for more than a minute or two). And it should stop within a few minutes. That small amount of blood is not normally a problem. Even if there is a little more than a tiny amount of blood sometimes, as long as it stops quickly, it will be okay. It is not something to panic about. It is “normal” if only a very small amount. If it happens a lot, that is probably an indicator to be slower, be more gentle, and use more lube. By the way, something that most people don’t stop to think about, but which I will address proactively: If there is a little bit of blood, then theoretically rectal germs can go the other direction, from the ass into the bloodstream. However, for reasons that I don’t fully understand, this does not seem to be a serious problem. An insect bite on the arm can be a big problem, but a similar size tear in the anal tissue does not seem to be a problem.
… Furthermore, the ass is very likely to be “confused” during the training and longer. It takes a long time for the ass to automatically know when it is okay for an object (or penis) to be going in and out, but that “farting” is not okay. Some people experience “messy underwear accidents” during the training time and early months of active anal sex. Everybody is different of course, but understand that this is just part of the process and to be prepared for the possibility. During this time, if you can avoid it, don’t fart (relieve gas) if you are not on the toilet. Keep an extra pair of underwear where you spend your time away from home, etc. I know that sounds terrible, but it can happen. However, eventually the ass will learn. (I like to think that the ass will learn faster with more anal sex, but my wife says that is just me being hopeful.)
People who do not actually know anything about anal sex often say that “once the ass gets stretched out it will never go back to normal”. That is not true (except in the case of actual serious injury, which won’t happen with proper training and gentle, loving sexual activity). In my personal experience, after 40+ years of using ever-larger toys (now using up to truly huge toys that a beginner would probably think impossible!), my anal sphincter control is tremendously stronger than when I started. (In fact if my wife is fisting me, I have to be careful not to squeeze her hand because I could actually break bones in her hand!) That being said, during training and during subsequent anal sexual activity, the ass will be looser and thus you can also read on the Internet about how to do anal tightening exercises. Such exercises will actually not only increase sphincter strength, but increase the person’s voluntary control over the sphincter.
I am not pretending that there cannot be more serious problems resulting from doing too much, too fast, too violently. However, as long as a person goes slowly and carefully, and does not have pain (and does not use objects that could cause injury), the chances of having a serious problem are extremely small. (A person probably takes more risk driving to work every day.)
A responsible disclaimer, though I am sure you and everybody reading this know this (but new readers come along all the time): Without first doing a thorough cleaning, never use a toy or penis in the vagina that has been in the ass. (And the tricky part is that penis is almost impossible to clean to the necessary microbe level.) Thus if a person wants to go back and forth and back and forth, use a new condom each time on anything that is going from the ass into the vagina. A few people will say it is not a problem – they are lucky and in my opinion can be called “future medical patients”. And, as long as we are talking about medical issues, remember that the delicate anal tissues are more vulnerable to transmission of STDs such as HIV/AIDS, etc. If a person has multiple partners and/or a new partner and/or the two partners have not both been recently tested (and both partners need to actually see the formal written/computer test results!!!), use a condom. And lastly, though there was a lot of controversy on this forum a few months ago, in my opinion, anal sex is absolutely not a proper form of birth control. Those little swimmers can get everywhere and it only takes one! People who think they are using anal sex for birth control can have one of two names: “lucky” or “parents”.
Remember that even in monogamist relationships, there is really no such thing as “completely safe sex”. (For example, there can be yeast infections. Or fecal bacteria can find its way into the vagina, or into the man’s urethra, etc.) There is always only “SAFER sex”.
Regarding the 99% pain vs 1% pleasure you indicated you experienced the first time, my personal threshold would be 1% pain and/or 20% discomfort I would tolerate. But for that I would want a whole lot of pleasure! If you are experiencing more than 1% or 2% or 3% PAIN, I would suggest switching to slow and careful training for a while. Perhaps your partner would like to be part of that process and can “help” (use a toy on you) – but only with your instructions and guidance. You have to be in charge of any training. Based on my experience, I would say that I usually have 0% or only 1% pain most of the time – and even that disappears quickly. Sometimes there is some “discomfort” for me, but slow and steady continued movement quickly dissipates the “discomfort”. (I recognize that my low level of discomfort or pain is because I have a tremendous amount of practice, so it would not be for a beginner to think they will have such low levels.)
Once a person is past the “technical issues” (anal training, anal stretching, etc.), the next phase will depend upon many factors. For example, how much (if at all) the person enjoys the sensations of anal toying or anal sex – for some it may be an instant anal love affair. For some it may be an “acquired taste”. And for others it may never become enjoyable. And there is the relationship with the partner. And the partner’s care and sensitivity, etc., etc, etc. There are also social issues, family issues, sexual history issues, etc., all of which can affect how a person regards any type of sexual activity.
Most importantly, do what YOU feel comfortable with and what YOU want to do. At the same time, if you do want to do something, be prepared to work at it and to “invest” in a little bit of discomfort on the path to enjoyment.
You may find it interesting and helpful to (eventually, over time) read through almost all the posts in this entire forum. There is a tremendous amount that can be learned from what has already been discussed. And don’t hesitate to ask about anything.
“Life is short… Have (anal) sex first!”
Hello, and welcome to the forum! So sorry to hear you had a bad first experience. As many have said, that’s unfortunately pretty common. I know my first time didn’t go as I had hoped.
@AnalLover has provided a pretty comprehensive answer so I don’t have a lot to add. One thing that might help is that if your partner is particularly…enthusiastic, you might want to pick a position where you have a little more control. I feel like many of the “starter” positions don’t give the girl/ receiver much control, so finding a position where you feel you have more control over speed, depth, etc. might help in the early days.