I am at an inflection point as to whether to continue to participate in this forum, to just switch to being a lurker, or to quit.
For some reason I have been very troubled by something that has occurred, probably especially because the reactions that were communicated to me were so unexpected by me and so far from any intent that I had. I have taken several days to think about things. I thought I would get over it after several days, but that’s not happening easily.
I am that “a guy” (as I believe Mr. AOL described me) who apparently crossed a line in this forum in commenting to a woman in this forum – in response to some positive things she had written about herself, and which I admired – and she then blessed me out. And Mr. AOL, in a different thread, more recently expressed his shock at what I had written.
From my perspective, all of this is a very unfortunate colossal misunderstanding by others of my intent and meaning, COMBINED WITH my unchecked enthusiasm for the conversation but also with my naivety about what is okay to say or not okay to say, about whether this is a safe place to say things, etc.
The woman had written some things about herself that I found very attractive. My reaction apparently upset her greatly. My intent was as a light-hearted banter. It was not received that way by either the woman or Mr. AOL. My intent was absolutely NOT personally directed to the woman, though I can now understand that the words I used could be interpreted as being personally directed at her. After she described herself in a way that was attractive to me, I replied in the sense of I wish I had known such a person when I was younger. I said something to the effect of I wish I had known her (meaning THE RHETORICAL HER, i.e. somebody like her) when I was younger.
I am happily married. I am not AT ALL looking for relationship of any sort. I absolutely did not intend to suggest anything of the sort. Yet, apparently at least two people interpreted it differently, thus there was obvious room for me to use different words.
I feel like – because of my own poorly chosen words – I stepped on a “land mine”. I was initially completely shocked at the response; at how my words had been received.
Knowing what MY intent was, I don’t think I did anything “wrong”. However, I can absolutely now see that it was possible for at least TWO people to interpret my words in a different way and to think that my intent was completely different than it was.
I take responsibility for what I wrote. I know that there was no inappropriate intent. But I now see I could have a) either not said anything, i.e. not engaged; or b) chosen my words more carefully and more generically; and/or c) considered that others have their own sensitivities which I may not be aware of, thus it is best to not address others directly, but instead to speak in generic terms (such as “when I was younger, I wish I had known somebody similar to how you have described yourself”).
Due to my history and baggage, I really don’t like a) putting myself in a situation where I could be easily misunderstood; b) having to be super-careful in every word choice. But in online situations, where none of us REALLY know each other, is apparently an absolute necessity for people who CARE. (In the broad context of the online world it seems that very few people really care what they say or how it is received. I DO CARE. And that is one reason that I rarely have participated in social media.)
There has recently been conversation on this forum about increasing the engagement level of forum members. Now I find myself asking if I want to take on the stress of worrying if what I say in this space (i.e. my engagement) will be misinterpreted and be the cause of distress for others.
I feel I need to mention some things about myself that relate to my being so taken aback by the negative reactions that were communicated to me or about me. Though I now look like a typical “privileged white man” (and yes, I am certainly the beneficiary of systemic privilege), I am not what the stereotypes might suggest. I grew up in an extremely liberal community. I was fully onboard with “womens liberation” and the “ERA” back when those were relatively new concepts for some men. I participated in groups in which men explored their …gasp… feelings. I had gay and lesbian friends before the other letters were added to L and G. Though I am straight, my favorite watering hole was a gay bar. I knew trans people, including in my extended family by marriage. Everybody loved everybody, everybody was “okay”, everybody was “free to be”. I am still all that person, though I now live in another part of the country where things are very different. My point is that I feel that because I am NOT the kind of person a couple people got the impression I am, I failed myself (and them) by communicating poorly and I thus offended (apparently deeply) somebody who I was admiring (based on her own description of herself). My point is also that at this stage in my life – feeling incredibly stressed by all the terrible things that are happening in my country – I am exhausted by having to be sooooo careful with my words. (Not only do I have to keep my mouth shut in my professional life if I want to continue to earn my chosen living – I spoke up a few years ago about some terrible things that were happening and thus I lost a lot of customers to the point I could have been put out of business – but I also have to be concerned about the very real possibility of physical attack in my part of the country. The sound of assault rifles can be heard nearly every day in the rural area in which I live.) If this forum is not a place where I can feel safe in conversation about AOL subjects, then I need to either just lurk or quit.
Thank you for allowing me to speak my mind. Whatever happens going forward, “AOL forever”!